Week 9: Panther Sneeze

The worst thing about training for a marathon is when you actually can’t. Lying in bed with a cold, ahh-panther-choo, is especially hard because of the knowledge that fellow panthers are free roaming in their natural environment. Granted, their natural environment is sea blown coastal roads, but still panthers are happiest when acting like panthers: Running for miles at inappropriate times, eating chips and beans from the canteen at work and generally being in physical discomfort. ‘But why?’ Panther lovers everywhere might ask themselves. The answer is: because just like the care bears, all Panthers, want a world where their human friends can play football properly, everywhere, regardless of their social or material circumstances. (www.righttoplay.com)

As one wise panther once said in a fit of post run exhaustion;

“Give a woman or man a football and they will play for a day, give a man or woman a 0.5mm pump valve and extendable pump and they can play for a lifetime (depending on the availability of footballs, mixed gender sporting facilities and the absence of Andy Grey demanding from the sideline that the woman goes home and makes his tea. In fact, she has already taken too long -with all her football, he is now going to have to drive by himself, in a sulk, to the Giant Golden M for a happy meal, some fizzy pop, some ice cream…and an extra happy meal- He always has an extra happy meal as Andy believes this will increase his chances of getting the green power ranger happy sac because his friend Richard Keyes will be mean again if Andy gets another pink power ranger happy sac with his happy meal-after all, no one likes the pink power ranger happy sac- only girls do and he is not a girl-he is Andy Grey- who cannot push the boundaries of normal social conduct because then Richard would chortle at him just like the beano character Richard looks like would do and then Andy would cry. Again.

“Excuse me drive thru operator, pal,  could I also have a veggie burger in my order, not because I want to eat it pal, I would not want you to get any ideas eh, but because I’m going to go and throw it at any vegans I might come across because they have no sense of humour, and they smell and they all own 2011 calendars of Vince Cable, you know-the one where every month has a picture of Vince Cable dressed in the uniforms of various communist dictatorships around the world and on their calendar all the vegans have highlighted the days in every month that-spit-MATCH -fume-OF-spit-THE-fume-DAY-spit-IS-fume-ON. Thanks buddy. This happy meal will cheer me up”

Rustle. Gobble. Rustle.

“Oh no, why! Why! WHY! Not another pink power ranger happy sac. Sob, Sob”
Rustle. Gobble. Rustle. ).”

Blame fatigue.